The accidental attachment parent

sleeping

Attachment parenting (AP) is a parenting philosophy that proposes methods which aim to promote the attachment of mother and infant not only by maximal maternal empathy and responsiveness but also by continuous bodily closeness and touch. The term (was) coined by the American pediatrician Dr William Sears (Wikipedia)

I so admire the young couples who come to my HypnoBirthing classes already so well read and well prepared. Many of them have given a great deal of thought into how they plan to parent their children, and may already have read copious amounts of books, blogs and articles on the subject.

My own experience of early motherhood couldn’t have been more different. When my little girl was born seven years ago, I did not have a single colleague, friend  or close family member with small children. My pregnancy was fraught with complications, and I spent over half of it on strict bedrest. I wasn’t able to leave the house for antenatal classes, and I spent very little emotional energy on wondering how I would parent this baby. We were just so focused on keeping her alive (and we did!).

When she came home from the hospital, we had a little Moses basket next to our bed that I assumed she would sleep in. At this stage I didn’t know any of the benefits of co-sleeping or bed-sharing, but I just assumed it would be easier to have her closer to me for breastfeeding. Well, our little three day old decided that she would have none of this nonsense, and screamed blue murder as soon as she was put down into the basket. My husband and I were confused – was she ill? Abnormal in some way? Eventually in desperation, I laid down with her on my chest and, surprise surprise, she slept like an angel. There she stayed until six weeks old (at which point she moved to sleeping between my husband and I). She stayed in our bed for a couple of months and in our room for around six months. She still loves the comfort of our bed for afternoon naps, and when she is sick or has a bad dream – as you can see from the picture above.

The same thing happened with baby wearing. Baby wearing is now a very fashionable thing. You can buy wraps and carriers for thousands of rands, hand dye them and have them converted by specialists. You can become a baby wearing consultant or join a Facebook group on baby wearing. But here’s a little secret: baby wearing is nothing new. It is a practical solution to the age old need of a baby to be close to a warm body and a beating heart, and of a mother to actually get some work done, whether that was tending crops or livestock or looking after other children. Despite being warned by well meaning friends and family members “Not to spoil her!” we carried or wore our little monkey for most of her first year because that’s what she wanted. She so loved being held that we even nicknamed her Limpet for a while.

People get very edgy about attachment parenting. Dr Sears talked about the cornerstones of attachment parenting as being breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby wearing but have a look at a Facebook moms’ group on a random Tuesday, and you will see debates about whether or not you can be considered an AP mom if you use disposable nappies, if you vaccinate, if you feed your kid sugar…it all gets rather ugly.

I believe we are so anxious nowadays to be validated by sources outside of ourselves, especially the so-called experts, that we forget to watch and learn from our biggest teachers: our children. You can be the most clueless parent on the planet, as I was, but if you desire to understand what your children need and do your best to give it to them, you will learn as you go along. You’ll make mistakes of course, none of us are perfect parents, but for the most part, you’ll do just fine – attachment parent, or not.

If you’d like to learn more about attachment parenting have a look here: http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/attachment-parenting/attachment-parenting-babies